Walker Art Center


February 13, 2003

Suicide Punk Movie

I took a nap today and dreamt some crazy stuff. I need to drink some absinthe to even out my dreams.

I dreamt I was tired and took a nap on my old friend Matt's bed. Matt killed himself about 6 years ago (that really happened and is a little background.).

I dreamt that Matt's bed was in the kitchen of his parents house. (I knew him and his family all my life.) When I woke up from the nap (in my dream) I tried to make Matt's bed that was in his parent's kitchen but the sheets and blankets wouldn't cover the bed. I was stressing out and trying everything I could think of to get the sheets and blankets to tuck in, but nothing would work.

I dream of Matt about once every six months or so. Usually I see him in my dreams and I'm pissed at him for killing himself, but happy that he's there and alive and I can't wait to tell his family. This was the first dream I had with reference to him where he was still dead.....does that make sense?

Anyway, it was a really fucked up situation that I have exploited in some of my short stories....and continuing to exploit as part of a novel I'm working on.

Angels of Light are playing San Francisco on April 11th. I love Michael Gira and can't wait to see him again.

Also, Wig Torture is reuniting and playing on March 1st. Wig Torture was my first radio interview in 1990. I have it on tape somewhere around here. The interview was completely horrible....I was trying to be punk rock about it, but I look back and it was just bad radio. Wig Torture has fallen off the radar for years, so they must be feeling nostalgic. Heck, I am too, so I'm going to check 'em out.

Beehive and the Barracudas play next week in San Francisco....I'm hoping I can afford both shows or get on this list for at least one of them. I heard one of their songs on KUSF about four months ago and was charged up.....they sound amazing. I guess it has ex-members of Red Aunts and Rocket from the Crypt. Red Aunts were punk RAWK when I saw them at the Bottom of the Hill....that was probably 8 years ago or so.

And Rocket from the Crypt at Gilman St. Well, that was legendary. My friends and I were all in our early 20's....it was probably the last time we all hung out since a couple of them went after the greedy gold that was silicon valley and it changed their personalities in the process.....but the show. Damn!

We drank a funky ass alcohol concoction that was made. After we all hung out at my friend's place in Berkeley I tried to stand up to get in the car and I couldn't.....I just started laughing. Oh, my liver was a lot pinker in those days.

At the show, Deadbolt opened. Deadbolt came out and explained they hate fags, dykes....and on and on through every racial group and gender you could think of. They all looked a bit like Elvis. It got the crowd pissed and girls and boys were spitting on them while they played. It was all quite tongue & cheek. It was around 1993 and the punk rock climate was kind of weird....politically correct at the time.....so it was nice to see some subversion whether or not I agreed. Hell, you gotta make fun of the crowd @ Gilman especially b/c they took themselves WAY too seriously....especially in the early 90's. Deadbolt brought some fun back into it.

And a wave of nausea hit me during their set, so I ran up the street to by junk food at the liquor store to soak up the alcohol......also bought another beer.

Then, Rocket from the Crypt came out and the whole crowd went nuts. Their set was SOOO tight and a blast. There's about 20, no maybe 40 shows that I look back on and go.....MAN, I'm so glad I was there to experience that.

Which brings me back to suicide. There's been a couple of suicides in my family as well as friends, etc. Hell, I've thought about it in my darkest moments of emotional pain....but I'm too much of a story teller......and I want to experience my story to the end. And I don't want to miss the next time I go to a show and walk home in the rain with a smile on my face b/c I just witnessed a little more of the history of music.

The movie of reality is playing right in front of me. I don't want to push eject on the video player....shit, I'm only through the first third and the plot twists have been crazy as fuck so far.....


I raise a glass to the victims of suicide in my small life, here's to Gibby, Matt, Eric and my grandmother who killed herself 10 years before I was born.....you're all a part of my movie of life and in me you live on.

Shit, tomorrow I better post something funny. :)

I need to enjoy my family and friends while they're still around.
I feel like sitting in a dark bar and writing poetry on a cocktail napkin.

Necesito gozar de mi familia y amigos mientras que todavía están vivos.
Me siento como sentarse en una barra oscura y escribir poesía en una servilleta del coctel.

Posted by Tony DuShane at February 13, 2003 10:34 PM

Has suicide become part of our everyday live? I lost count myself: how many people I knew commited suicide? How many people I knew became hardcore junkies? How many people I knew went to a psychiatric ward for longer or shorter periods of time? Hell, sometimes it seems as if I'm the sole surviror. Well the truth is that most of them went to live in Amsterdam and we simply lost touch.

Posted by: Jeroen Goulooze on February 14, 2003 02:00 AM
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